How to Honestly See Things from the Other Person's Point of View

The Foundation of All Influence

Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint.

This isn't just about being nice. It's about being effective. You cannot persuade, negotiate, or connect with someone whose position you don't understand.

Henry Ford said: "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

Why This Is So Difficult

Our natural state is self-absorption. We see the world through our own eyes, filtered by our own experiences, shaped by our own needs. Seeing through another's eyes requires deliberate effort.

Yet 90% of people ignore this 90% of the time. Those who master it have an enormous advantage.

Practical Techniques

Technique 1: The Empty Chair

Before any important conversation, place an empty chair across from you. Imagine the other person sitting there. Ask yourself:

• What pressures are they under?
• What do they want from this conversation?
• What are they afraid of?
• What would success look like from their side?
• What experiences have shaped their view?

Spend at least five minutes in their shoes before planning what you'll say.

Technique 2: The 3x Why

To understand someone's position, ask "why" three times:

Surface level: They want a larger budget First why: Why? They feel their team is under-resourced Second why: Why does that matter? They're worried about missing deadlines Third why: Why is that concerning? Their reputation depends on delivery

Now you understand: this isn't about money—it's about reputation and reliability.

Technique 3: Complete the Sentence

"If I were this person, dealing with what they're dealing with, I would feel ___ because ___."

Be specific. Don't just say "frustrated." Say "frustrated because my concerns keep getting dismissed, and nervous because my job might be at risk if this project fails."

Technique 4: Research Their World

Before important meetings:

• Learn about their industry's challenges
• Understand their company's situation
• Know their role's pressures
• Research their personal background if available

The more context you have, the better you can understand their viewpoint.

Technique 5: Ask Directly

Sometimes the simplest approach is the best:

• "Help me understand how you're seeing this."
• "What's most important to you in this situation?"
• "What would you need to feel good about this decision?"
• "What am I missing from your perspective?"

Then listen without defending or explaining.

The Landlord Story

A tenant wanted to break her lease early. She could have approached the landlord with demands and arguments. Instead, she thought about his perspective:

• He'd have to find a new tenant
• The apartment might sit empty, losing rent
• Turnover means maintenance and paperwork
• He'd had problems with difficult tenants before

She approached him: "I know this creates work for you, and the timing isn't ideal. I want to make this as easy as possible. Would it help if I found my own replacement tenant and handled the transition?"

The landlord agreed immediately. She'd made his problem her problem—and solved it.

The Cost of Not Understanding

When you don't understand the other person's perspective:

• Your arguments miss the mark
• You trigger defensiveness
• You waste time on points that don't matter to them
• You miss creative solutions
• You damage the relationship

Every failed negotiation, every frustrated conversation, every broken relationship can be traced to a failure of perspective-taking.

Practice Exercise: The Perspective Journal

For one week, after any significant interaction:

1. Write their position as they would explain it (not as you see it)
2. Identify their underlying interests — what do they really want?
3. Note their constraints — what pressures are they facing?
4. Consider their emotions — how might they be feeling?
5. Rate your understanding on a scale of 1-10

Review at the end of the week. Where is your perspective-taking weakest?

The Doctor Analogy

Imagine going to a doctor who prescribed medication without asking about your symptoms. "Trust me, this is good medicine. I've helped lots of patients with it."

Absurd, right? Yet this is exactly what we do when we prescribe solutions without understanding the other person's situation.

Diagnose before you prescribe. Understand before you advise.

Advanced Application: Charitable Interpretation

When someone does something that seems wrong or foolish, assume positive intent:

Instead of: "They're being difficult." Try: "What would make this behaviour make sense to a reasonable person in their situation?"

Usually, you'll find a coherent reason. They're not difficult—they're responding to pressures and concerns you hadn't considered.

When Perspectives Conflict

Understanding someone's perspective doesn't mean agreeing with it. You can understand completely and still disagree.

But when you disagree while demonstrating understanding, the disagreement is less threatening. "I understand why you see it that way, and here's why I see it differently" is far more effective than "You're wrong."

The Meta-Skill

Perspective-taking is the meta-skill that makes all other influence skills work:

• You can't talk about their interests without knowing what those interests are
• You can't arouse an eager want without understanding their wants
• You can't avoid arguments if you don't see why they might disagree

Master perspective-taking, and every other principle becomes easier.

Understanding their viewpoint naturally leads to being sympathetic with their ideas and desires—the next step in winning people to your way of thinking.

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.