How to Avoid Arguments and Why You Can't Win Them

The Impossible Victory

Here's the strange truth about arguments: even when you win, you lose.

You may demolish their logic. You may have facts, data, and evidence on your side. You may leave them with nothing to say. But what have you actually achieved?

You've made an enemy. You've wounded their pride. They leave feeling diminished and resentful. Long after they've forgotten your brilliant arguments, they'll remember how you made them feel.

Benjamin Franklin understood this: "If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will."

What the Research Says

Psychologists have studied what happens when you try to change someone's mind through argument. The findings are humbling.

The "backfire effect" describes what happens when corrections actually strengthen the very beliefs they're trying to change. When people feel their worldview is under attack, they often dig in deeper.

A study published in PNAS found that "a large portion of the backfire effect stems from people not wanting to be seen as wrong or stupid in front of an audience." The problem isn't their reasoning—it's their identity. When you argue with someone, you're not just challenging their facts. You're challenging who they are.

However, recent research has also shown something more nuanced: the backfire effect is not as universal as initially believed. People can change their minds—but rarely through direct confrontation. The emerging consensus is that "a barrage of counterarguments taking up a full page seems to be less persuasive to a naysayer than a single, simple, powerful statement."

The key insight: letting tempers cool before revisiting a topic dramatically increases the chance of attitude change. Once flame wars die down, people become more emotionally able to consider other viewpoints.

The Real Question

Before engaging in any potential argument, ask yourself: What do I actually want here?

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to solve a problem? Do you want to win? Or do you want to maintain the relationship? Do you want to dominate? Or do you want to influence?

These goals are often incompatible. Choose wisely.

Techniques for Avoiding Arguments

The Welcome Response

When someone disagrees with you, your instinct is to defend. Override it.

What to say: "That's an interesting perspective. Tell me more about why you see it that way."

The disagreement may be your opportunity to learn something valuable. If two people always agree, one of them is unnecessary. Be grateful when someone offers a different viewpoint—they may be saving you from a costly error.

The Three-Breath Pause

Your first natural reaction to disagreement is usually wrong. It's defensive. It's emotional. It escalates.

When you feel the urge to argue, pause for three breaths. During those breaths, remind yourself: "My first instinct is to defend myself. That instinct is probably counterproductive."

The ability to stay calm when provoked is a superpower. Most people can't do it.

Complete Listening

Give the other person a chance to talk through their entire position without interruption. Don't resist, defend, or prepare counter-arguments while they're speaking.

This is harder than it sounds. Your mind will be screaming objections. Write them down if you must—but don't voice them until they've completely finished.

Then pause before responding. That pause communicates respect.

Find the Agreement First

Before addressing differences, identify common ground. There is almost always something you can agree on.

Template: "So we both agree that [shared point]. Where we seem to differ is [specific disagreement]. Let me make sure I understand your position on that..."

Starting with agreement establishes you as allies solving a problem together, not enemies in combat. It changes the entire dynamic.

Admit What's Valid

Honestly look for merit in the other person's position. Say what's valid in their argument.

"You make a good point about..." "I hadn't considered that angle..." "That's a legitimate concern..."

This isn't weakness—it's intellectual honesty. And it dramatically reduces their defensiveness. When they no longer feel attacked, they can actually hear you.

Promise to Think It Over

Even if you're certain you're right, promise to consider their points carefully.

"You've given me a lot to think about. Let me reflect on this and get back to you."

This shows respect for their position and gives both parties time to cool down. Research shows that letting emotions settle is one of the most effective ways to enable genuine reconsideration.

When You Must Disagree

Sometimes you cannot avoid expressing a different view. Here's how to do it without triggering combat.

The Columbo Technique

Detective Columbo caught criminals by appearing confused rather than confrontational.

Instead of: "You're wrong about that." Try: "I'm confused about something. Help me understand how [their point] fits with [contradicting evidence]?"

Questions invite reflection. Statements invite resistance.

The "Yes, And" Approach

From improv comedy, this technique acknowledges their point before adding your perspective:

"Yes, [acknowledge their point], and [add your perspective without negating theirs]."

Example: "Yes, the project did go over budget, and I wonder if the expanded scope we agreed to mid-project explains most of that."

Express Uncertainty

Even when you're confident, expressing some uncertainty invites dialogue rather than debate:

"I may be wrong—let me think about this..." "I'm not certain, but my understanding is..." "Could we look at another possibility?"

This isn't false modesty. It's recognition that on most topics, certainty is unjustified.

Practice Exercise: The Argument Diary

For the next week, keep track of every time you feel the urge to argue:

1. What triggered it?
2. What was your initial response—what did you want to say?
3. What did you actually do?
4. What was the outcome?
5. What would you do differently?

After a week, review your notes. You'll see patterns in what triggers you and which responses work best.

On our Quarterdeck leadership courses, we find that this awareness alone—simply noticing the urge to argue without acting on it—is transformative. Most arguments happen on autopilot. Conscious choice changes everything.

The Buddha's Gift

A man once went to the Buddha and began insulting him. The Buddha listened calmly and then asked: "If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?"

"To the person who offered it," the man replied.

"Then I refuse to accept your insults," said the Buddha. "They remain yours."

You don't have to accept the invitation to argue. The argument belongs to the person who starts it—unless you choose to take it.

When you're ready to influence people without arguing, the next step is learning how to show respect for others' opinions even when you disagree.

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.