How to Show Respect for the Other Person's Opinions

The Two-Word Phrase That Creates Enemies

You can tell people they're wrong by a look, an intonation, or a gesture just as eloquently as with words—and when you do, expect them to dig in rather than reconsider.

"You're wrong."

Those two words strike a direct blow at someone's intelligence, judgement, pride, and self-respect. They won't change their mind. They'll want to strike back.

Even when you have facts on your side—even when you're demonstrably, provably correct—announcing that someone is wrong almost never achieves what you want.

What Research Tells Us About Disagreement

Psychologists distinguish between two related but distinct skills: perspective-taking and empathy. Research on workplace conflict resolution found that these work quite differently.

Perspective-takers—people who actively try to understand another's viewpoint—showed lower relational conflict and greater cognitive flexibility. They were better at finding solutions that worked for everyone.

Highly empathic people, counterintuitively, sometimes showed higher relational conflict. When they felt the other person's emotions strongly but couldn't understand their reasoning, they sometimes became reactive rather than collaborative.

The lesson? Understanding how someone thinks is different from feeling what they feel. For disagreements, perspective-taking is the more reliable path to resolution.

This research also found that "perspective-taking facilitates a psychological distancing from reactive self-focus and redirects attention toward understanding the partner's emotions, needs, and motivations." When you step back from defending your position and genuinely try to understand theirs, the whole dynamic changes.

Why Being "Right" Often Makes Things Worse

Your goal in most disagreements isn't to prove you're right. It's to help the other person see a different perspective—and that requires keeping their mind open, not slamming it shut.

When you announce that someone is wrong, you trigger:

• Defensive reactions
• A search for reasons to disagree with you
• Damage to your relationship
• A closed mind that won't consider your view

You may win the point but lose everything that matters.

The Art of Respectful Disagreement

Never Say "You're Wrong"

Eliminate these phrases from your vocabulary:

• "You're wrong about that"
• "That's not correct"
• "That's a mistake"
• "No, actually..."
• "Let me correct you"

Replace them with language that preserves dignity:

• "I see it differently"
• "I had understood it was..."
• "My experience has been..."
• "I wonder if..."
• "Could we consider another possibility?"

The information you're conveying may be identical. The impact on the relationship is entirely different.

Use "I" Statements

Frame disagreement in terms of your own perception rather than their error:

Instead of: "You're wrong—the deadline is Friday, not Thursday." Try: "I may be mistaken, but I had the deadline down as Friday. Let me double-check."

This achieves the same correction without accusation. If you're right, they'll adjust. If you're wrong, you haven't embarrassed yourself.

Assume You Might Be Wrong

This isn't just a technique—it should be a genuine mindset. Even when you're confident, acknowledge the possibility of error:

"I may be wrong—I frequently am—but..." "I could be mistaken, however..." "Let me think about this again because I might have it wrong, but..."

When you admit the possibility of being wrong, others become more willing to admit the same about themselves. You've created an environment where changing one's mind is safe.

Ask Questions Instead of Making Statements

Rather than stating that someone is wrong, ask questions that help them discover the problem themselves:

Instead of: "Your numbers don't add up." Try: "Help me understand—when I run these figures, I get a different total. Can you walk me through how you calculated this?"

Questions invite collaboration. Statements invite resistance.

Separate the Person from the Position

You can strongly disagree with an idea while respecting the person who holds it:

"I really respect your thinking on most things, which is why I want to understand this position better. It seems different from how I've approached it, and I'm curious about your reasoning."

This makes clear you're questioning the idea, not attacking the person.

The Four-Step Disagreement Process

When you must express disagreement, use this sequence:

Step 1: Acknowledge what's valid "You make a good point about the importance of speed-to-market..."

Step 2: Express your concern as a question "I'm wondering about the quality implications though. What happens if we rush and have to fix problems later?"

Step 3: Share your perspective humbly "From what I've seen in similar situations, rushing sometimes creates more work in the end. But I may be missing something."

Step 4: Invite their response "What do you think? Am I overlooking something?"

This approach keeps the conversation collaborative rather than combative.

Handling Factual Errors

When someone states something factually incorrect, the temptation to correct them can be overwhelming.

For Minor Errors: Let Them Go

Ask yourself: Does this actually matter? Not every error needs correction. If someone misquotes a statistic that isn't central to the discussion, consider letting it pass.

Be selective about when you correct. Every correction has a relationship cost.

For Important Errors: Use Soft Language

Instead of: "No, the company was founded in 1987, not 1982." Try: "I thought it was 1987—let me look that up to be sure."

Then look it up together. The facts speak for themselves without you having to announce them as the victor.

For Errors in Front of Others: Be Extra Gentle

Being corrected publicly is humiliating. If possible, address it privately later:

"I wanted to mention something—I think the date might have been different from what we discussed. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case it comes up again."

The Benjamin Franklin Technique

Franklin realised that dogmatic assertions turned people off. He changed his language:

Before: "This is certainly the case..." After: "I conceive it to be..." or "I imagine it is..."

He found that conversations went more smoothly, opponents were more willing to reconsider, and he was better able to persuade when he was right—and less embarrassed when he was wrong.

Practice Exercise: The Perspective Shift

On our Quarterdeck courses, we use this exercise before difficult conversations:

1. Write down your position on the disagreement
2. Write down the other person's position as they would state it (not your caricature of it)
3. Write down three reasons why a reasonable person might hold their view
4. Write down what you might be missing
5. Only then, plan what you'll say

This exercise forces genuine perspective-taking. Leaders who do it consistently report fewer escalations and more productive disagreements.

The Galileo Principle

Galileo said: "You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself."

The goal isn't to prove someone wrong. It's to help them discover a better answer themselves. When they discover it, it becomes their idea—and they'll defend it rather than resist it.

Once you've mastered respectful disagreement, the next principle becomes easier: admitting when you yourself are wrong.

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."