How to Be Sympathetic with the Other Person's Ideas and Desires

The Magic Phrase

There is a magic phrase that will stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively:

"I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."

This phrase works because it acknowledges what everyone craves: validation of their feelings.

Why Sympathy Is So Powerful

Three-fourths of the people you meet are hungry for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

This isn't about agreeing with their position or actions. It's about acknowledging that their feelings make sense given their experience and perspective.

When someone feels understood, their defensiveness melts. When they feel dismissed, they fortify their walls.

What Sympathy Is (and Isn't)

Sympathy IS:

• Acknowledging someone's emotions are valid
• Recognising their situation is difficult
• Understanding why they feel as they do
• Showing you've heard them

Sympathy is NOT:

• Agreeing with their position
• Approving of their behaviour
• Solving their problem
• Taking their side against others

You can be sympathetic with how someone feels while still disagreeing with what they've done.

Practical Techniques

Technique 1: The Validation Formula

Use this template when someone expresses frustration or distress:

"Given [their situation/experience], it makes complete sense that you would feel [their emotion]."

Example: "Given that you've been working weekends for a month and still missed the deadline through no fault of your own, it makes complete sense that you'd feel frustrated and unappreciated."

Technique 2: Name the Emotion

People often feel relieved simply by having their emotion named:

• "That sounds really frustrating."
• "You must be disappointed."
• "I can see why you'd be worried about that."
• "That seems like a difficult position to be in."

Naming the emotion shows you're paying attention to more than just the facts.

Technique 3: The "Of Course" Technique

Start your response with "Of course..."

Instead of: "But here's what you don't understand..." Try: "Of course you see it that way—from your position, that's exactly how it would look."

"Of course" validates their perspective before anything else happens.

Technique 4: Share Similar Experiences

When appropriate, briefly mention a time you felt similarly:

"I remember feeling the same way when I was passed over for promotion. It's a terrible feeling."

Keep the focus on them—you're showing understanding, not hijacking the conversation.

Technique 5: Avoid But-Erasure

"I understand, but..." erases everything before the "but."

Instead of: "I understand you're frustrated, but the policy is clear." Try: "I understand you're frustrated. The policy creates a real constraint. Let's see if there's any way to work within it."

Separate the sympathy from the problem-solving with a pause, not a "but."

The Customer Complaint Strategy

When customers complain:

Step 1: Listen completely without interruption

Step 2: Acknowledge the emotion "I can hear how frustrated you are, and I completely understand."

Step 3: Validate the experience "If I'd gone through what you described, I'd feel exactly the same way."

Step 4: Only then move to solutions "Let me see what I can do to make this right."

This sequence turns angry customers into grateful ones, even when you can't fully solve their problem.

Practice Exercise: The Sympathy Rewrite

Take three recent conversations where someone expressed frustration or distress. For each one:

1. Write what you actually said (be honest)
2. Write what they were likely feeling
3. Rewrite your response using the techniques above
4. Imagine how the conversation might have gone differently

Example:

• What I said: "Well, if you'd read the instructions, this wouldn't have happened."
• What they felt: Frustrated, embarrassed, dismissed
• Better response: "Those instructions are confusing—lots of people run into this same issue. Let me help you sort it out."

The Dr. Arthur Gates Quote

Dr. Arthur Gates wrote: "Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults... show their bruises, relate their accidents, illnesses, especially details of surgical operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice."

We all want sympathy. We all need to feel understood. The person who gives this freely receives loyalty in return.

When Sympathy Is Difficult

Some situations make sympathy hard:

When you caused the problem: Acknowledge their feeling anyway. "I understand why you're upset with me. I would be too."

When you disagree with their interpretation: You can be sympathetic with feelings while disagreeing with conclusions. "I can see why that experience would lead you to feel this way, even though I see the situation differently."

When they're partly responsible: Acknowledge first, correct later. "That must be frustrating" can come before "Let's look at what happened."

When you're frustrated too: Take a breath. Your frustration doesn't cancel theirs. Both can be valid.

The Telephone Company Approach

Phone companies train their operators to handle complaints by expressing sympathy first, always:

"I'm sorry you've had this experience." "I can understand why that would be frustrating." "That shouldn't have happened."

Even when the company isn't at fault, acknowledging the customer's frustration defuses the situation.

Beyond Complaints

Sympathy isn't just for negative emotions. You can be sympathetic with:

• Someone's excitement about a new venture
• Their nervousness before a big presentation
• Their pride in an accomplishment
• Their hope for a new relationship

Any emotion, acknowledged, creates connection.

Sympathy lays the groundwork for appealing to nobler motives—when people feel understood, they're more willing to rise to their better selves.

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.