Discover the psychology of influence and how to motivate others by appealing to what they actually want. Learn research-backed techniques for ethical persuasion.
Written by Laura Bouttell • Sat 24th January 2026
Carnegie's third fundamental principle cuts to the heart of influence: the only way to get anyone to do anything is to make them want to do it.
You can threaten people. You can force compliance. But you'll never get genuine cooperation—the kind that produces quality work, that lasts when you're not watching, that comes with discretion and creativity—unless the person genuinely wants to do what you're asking.
"He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way." — Harry A. Overstreet
This isn't about manipulation. It's about understanding a basic truth: everyone is tuned to their own frequency. If you want to be heard, you have to broadcast on their channel.
Every action you've ever taken was motivated by something you wanted.
This sounds obvious, but the implications are profound. Even seemingly selfless acts—volunteering, donating money, helping a stranger—are motivated by wants. You want to help. You want to feel good about yourself. You want to make a difference. You want to be the kind of person who does these things.
This isn't cynical. It's just accurate. And understanding it is the key to influence.
Robert Cialdini, the most cited living social psychologist in the world, spent decades studying how influence works. His research identified six core principles that drive human compliance: reciprocity, commitment, liking, scarcity, social proof, and authority.
Every single one of these principles works by tapping into what people already want:
You're not creating motivation from nothing. You're connecting your request to motivation that already exists.
Most people approach influence backwards.
They start with what they want. They want the sale. They want the promotion. They want their spouse to agree. They want their team to work harder. Then they try to convince the other person to give them what they want.
This almost never works. You're asking someone to serve your interests. Why would they?
The effective approach inverts the process. Start with what they want. Understand their goals, fears, hopes, and constraints. Then show them how what you're proposing helps them get what they already want.
Henry Ford understood this: "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
There's a story about Ralph Waldo Emerson and his son trying to push a stubborn calf into a barn. They pushed from behind, pulled from the front, shoved and pleaded. The calf dug in its hooves and refused to move.
Their housemaid watched the struggle. She didn't have Emerson's education or his son's enthusiasm. But she understood the calf.
She walked over, put her finger in the calf's mouth, and let it suck as she gently walked backwards into the barn. The calf followed willingly.
The calf wanted to suck. She gave it what it wanted while getting what she wanted. Both parties satisfied.
That's the essence of this principle. Don't push people into barns. Find out what they want to suck on.
A father struggled for months to get his young son to eat breakfast. Nagging, pleading, and threats accomplished nothing.
Then he stopped and asked himself: what does my son want?
The boy had a tricycle that a neighbourhood bully kept stealing from him. The father explained that eating breakfast would help him grow strong enough to defend his tricycle from the bully.
The eating problem vanished overnight. The boy would now eat anything to get stronger faster.
The father didn't change what he was asking. He changed how he framed it—connecting it to something his son already desperately wanted.
A woman wanted to transfer her banking career from New York to Phoenix. She could have written to banks explaining what she wanted: a job.
Instead, she wrote about what they wanted:
"My ten years of bank experience should be of interest to a rapidly growing bank like yours... I am sure I can contribute to your growth and profit."
Eleven of twelve banks invited her to interview. She got the job by focusing entirely on their interests, not hers.
Carnegie once faced a 300% rent increase for a venue where he held his lectures. Instead of complaining about what he wanted, he sat down with the hotel manager and drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper.
On one side: Advantages to the hotel of raising rent (the ballroom would be free for other events).
On the other: Disadvantages (losing the advertising value of educated audiences coming through the hotel, losing the regular booking revenue).
He talked entirely about what the manager cared about—occupancy and reputation. Result? A 50% increase instead of 300%.
A fuel salesman had tried for years to sell to a chain store company. He hated chain stores and showed it. They never bought.
Then he changed tactics. He approached the chain store executive asking for help with a debate about chain stores—genuinely interested in understanding their perspective.
The executive talked for two hours. He brought in other executives. He gathered information for the salesman.
As the salesman was leaving, the executive said: "Please see me again later in the spring. I should like to place an order with you for fuel."
He made more progress in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in the executive's concerns than he had in years of pushing his product.
Before every request, ask yourself one question:
"How can I make this person want to do it?"
Not: "How can I make them do it?" Not: "How can I convince them?" Not: "How can I apply enough pressure?"
But: "How can I make them want to do it?"
This simple shift transforms your approach. You stop thinking about tactics and start thinking about interests. You stop pushing and start aligning.
Sometimes the answer is obvious. A salesperson wants to make quota. A parent wants their children to succeed. A manager wants their team to perform well.
But often you need to dig deeper. What people say they want and what they actually want can differ. The stated objection often hides the real concern.
This is where being a good listener becomes essential. You can't appeal to what someone wants if you don't know what they want. And you can't know what they want unless you genuinely listen.
On our Quarterdeck leadership courses, we practice this skill explicitly. Before making any request, leaders learn to ask: "What is this person's underlying concern? What do they really care about? How does my request connect to that?"
Research on persuasion reveals an interesting finding about how many arguments to make. Studies consistently show that three claims is optimal. Fewer seems insufficient. More triggers scepticism—the listener starts wondering why you're trying so hard.
So when you're making a case, focus on the three strongest ways your proposal benefits the other person. Don't dilute your message with everything you can think of. Pick the three that matter most to them.
I need to add a warning here. This principle can be misused.
Understanding what people want gives you power. You could use that power to manipulate—to get people to do things that benefit you while harming them.
This works in the short term. It fails catastrophically in the long term.
The goal isn't to extract value from relationships. It's to create it. Find the overlap between what you want and what they want, then build something that serves both.
If your proposal genuinely doesn't benefit the other person, maybe you shouldn't be making it. Or maybe you need to rethink it until it does.
Before your next important request or proposal, complete this exercise:
Only after completing this inventory should you make your request. You'll find yourself speaking a completely different language—one that actually gets heard.
This principle, combined with not criticising and giving sincere appreciation, forms the foundation of all effective influence.
Don't tear people down with criticism. Build them up with appreciation. And when you want something from them, frame it in terms of what they want.
Master these three principles and you're ready for Part 2: the art of making people like you, starting with becoming genuinely interested in other people.
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. There's little competition in that space.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.