Articles / How to Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleLearn why genuine interest in others is the foundation of all relationships. Research shows curious people are seen as more attractive and build stronger connections faster.
Written by Laura Bouttell • Sat 24th January 2026
You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. Behind this show of affection, there are no ulterior motives.
A dog makes his living by giving nothing but love.
This is the secret that dogs have known instinctively for thousands of years: you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
I know—it sounds too simple. But the research backs it up.
Psychologists have a term for this: interpersonal curiosity—the genuine desire for information about others. A 2024 review in Frontiers in Psychology describes it as "a core component of human connection, belonging, security, survival, and flourishing."
Research by psychologist Todd Kashdan found something remarkable. In social encounters, people who showed genuine curiosity were consistently rated as more attractive and interesting by others—even after controlling for how much they spoke, how outgoing they were, or how anxious they felt.
The curious participants were also better at predicting how well-received they would be. They had more accurate social perception.
Kashdan's conclusion: "Being interested is more important in cultivating a relationship and maintaining a relationship than being interesting; that's what gets the dialogue going."
Think about that. We spend so much energy trying to be interesting—impressive credentials, fascinating stories, clever remarks. But what actually builds relationships is being interested.
The New York Telephone Company once studied 500 telephone conversations to find the most frequently used word. It was "I"—spoken 3,900 times.
When you see a group photograph that includes you, whose face do you look for first?
We are all, fundamentally, preoccupied with ourselves. It's not a moral failing—it's human nature. But understanding this asymmetry is the key to connection.
Here's the asymmetry: you are interested in yourself. The person you're talking to is interested in themselves. If you both talk about what you're interested in, you'll talk past each other. If you talk about what they're interested in, they'll feel understood.
Alfred Adler, the renowned Viennese psychologist, wrote: "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."
That's worth sitting with. The person who isn't interested in others causes the most harm and experiences the most difficulty.
Research has found that curious people are somewhat protected from negative social experiences. They're less affected by rejection and recover faster from awkward interactions.
This makes intuitive sense. When you're genuinely curious about someone, you're focused on them rather than on yourself. You're thinking "What makes this person tick?" rather than "How am I coming across?" That outward focus reduces social anxiety.
It also makes you more resilient. If someone doesn't connect with you, you're less likely to take it personally—you were focused on learning about them, not on performing for them.
Howard Thurston was the acknowledged dean of magicians. For forty years he traveled the world, performing for over 60 million people and earning almost $2 million in profit.
His secret wasn't superior magic tricks—hundreds of people knew as much about illusions as he did.
The difference was his genuine interest in his audience.
Where other magicians would look at the crowd and think "There's a bunch of suckers I'm going to fool," Thurston said to himself before every performance: "I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can."
He declared he never stepped onto the stage without first saying to himself: "I love my audience."
Ridiculous? Perhaps. But it worked for one of the most successful entertainers of his era.
Even Roosevelt's servants loved him.
When his wife once asked the President about a bobwhite bird, he described it to her fully. Later, the President himself called their cottage to say there was a bobwhite outside their window if she wanted to see it.
Small things like that—remembering what people care about and acting on it—were characteristic of Roosevelt. Whenever he passed the servants' cottage, even if they were out of sight, they would hear him call out a friendly greeting.
After Roosevelt left the White House, he visited one day and greeted all the old servants by name, even the scullery maids. He asked the kitchen maid, Alice, if she still made corn bread. When she said only for the servants now, Roosevelt declared: "They show bad taste, and I'll tell the President so when I see him!"
The head usher, who had worked at the White House for forty years, said with tears in his eyes: "It is the only happy day we had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred-dollar bill."
Here's the catch. You can't fake genuine interest. People sense phoniness immediately.
The goal isn't to appear interested while secretly being bored. The goal is to actually become interested.
How?
Boring questions get boring answers. "What do you do?" produces a job title. But "What's the most interesting project you're working on right now?" produces a story.
Some questions that almost always spark genuine engagement:
The question matters less than the genuine curiosity behind it. People can tell when you actually want to know the answer.
Everyone is interesting once you find the right topic. The accountant who seems dull might have an obsession with Japanese whisky. The quiet IT person might be training for an ultramarathon. The receptionist might be raising five foster children.
Your job is to find that thread—the thing they light up about—and pull it.
We're naturally curious about high-status people, attractive people, people who can help us. The real practice is being curious about the people you'd normally overlook.
The barista. The security guard. The person in the next seat on the train.
Everyone has a story. Everyone knows something you don't. When you approach people with genuine curiosity about what that might be, conversations change.
Carnegie made it a practice to learn the birthdays of friends. He would work astrology into conversations, get their birth date, write it down, and transfer it to a calendar. When the birthday arrived, a letter or telegram would be sent.
"I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered."
In our world, this is even easier. Add notes to contacts in your phone. Review them before meetings. Follow up on things people mentioned last time.
When you remember what someone told you months ago, you're proving that the first conversation wasn't just performance—it was genuine connection.
A show of interest must be sincere. It must benefit not just you, but the person receiving the attention.
This is a two-way exchange—both parties must gain. The nurse who stayed past her shift to comfort a lonely ten-year-old in the hospital on Thanksgiving Day wasn't thinking about what she would get in return. But that boy, Martin Ginsberg, remembered her kindness for the rest of his life.
For one week, set a goal to learn one genuinely interesting thing about each person you have a real conversation with.
Not surface facts—their job title, where they live. Something that surprised you. Something you didn't expect. Something that made you think "Huh, I didn't know that about people like them."
Keep a simple log:
After a week, you'll notice something: you've become more naturally curious. You've trained yourself to look for what's unique rather than processing people as types.
On our Quarterdeck courses, we find that leaders who develop genuine curiosity about their teams consistently outperform those who don't. They catch problems earlier, they understand motivations better, they inspire more loyalty. Not because they're manipulating people, but because people can tell when someone actually cares.
Edward Sykes called on customers for Johnson & Johnson. One drug store owner told him to leave and never return—J&J was neglecting small stores.
Later, Sykes returned. But not to sell. He simply said hello to the soda clerk and sales clerk as he always did.
To his surprise, the owner smiled and gave him double the usual order.
What happened? The soda clerk had told the owner that Sykes was "one of the few salespeople that even bothered to say hello to him and to the others in the store."
The owner decided that any salesperson who cared about his staff—not just his wallet—deserved his business.
That's what genuine interest looks like in action. It's not about the transaction. It's about the human being.
By developing genuine interest in others, you'll naturally discover what matters to them. This prepares you for the next step: talking in terms of their interests—the key to keeping people engaged and building lasting relationships.
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.