Articles / How to Be a Good Listener and Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleMaster the art of listening with research-backed techniques. Learn why listeners are perceived as twice as effective as talkers and how to develop genuine listening skills.
Written by Laura Bouttell • Sat 24th January 2026
Here's something that took me years to understand. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is not to become a better talker. It's to become a better listener.
I know—it seems backwards. Surely a "conversationalist" is someone who says interesting things? Someone witty, knowledgeable, engaging?
No. The best conversationalists are the ones who make you feel interesting. They ask good questions, they pay attention, they remember what you said. When you walk away from them, you feel good about yourself—and by extension, you feel good about them.
If you want people to avoid you, here's a reliable method: never listen to anyone for long. Talk constantly about yourself. When someone else is speaking, use that time to formulate what you'll say next. If an idea strikes you mid-sentence, interrupt immediately—your thought is clearly more important than whatever they were saying.
The tragic irony is that many people do exactly this while wondering why no one enjoys their company.
The science on listening is remarkably clear. A meta-analysis in the Journal of Business and Psychology, drawing on 664 effect sizes across over 400,000 observations, found that perceived listening strongly correlates with nearly every positive work outcome you can measure.
The correlation with relationship quality was particularly striking: r = .51. That's a strong effect. When people feel listened to, their relationship with the listener improves dramatically.
But here's the finding I want you to remember. Research from the Center for Creative Leadership found that employee perception of being listened to is twice as high when the leader takes action based on what they heard.
Let that sink in. It's not just about nodding and making sympathetic noises. People can tell the difference between listening and listening. When you actually act on what someone tells you—when their words influence your decisions—they know. And their perception of how well you listened doubles.
Even more striking: research on organisational change found that when companies make visible changes within three months of receiving employee feedback, they see a 306% increase in the probability that employees will trust the organisation. Make changes within one month, and the effect is even stronger.
Listening isn't passive. Real listening is a prelude to action.
If listening is so powerful, why don't more people do it?
Because listening requires you to set aside your own ego. When someone else is talking, your mind naturally wanders to your own thoughts, your own experiences, your own opinions. You're itching to share your perspective.
As Isaac Marcosson, who interviewed hundreds of celebrities, observed: "Many people fail to make a favourable impression because they don't listen attentively. They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open."
There's also a fundamental asymmetry. When you're talking, you feel productive. You're contributing! You're sharing wisdom! But when you're listening, you feel like you're doing nothing—even though listening well requires more effort than speaking.
Carnegie understood this: people are infinitely more interested in themselves than in you. The New York Telephone Company once analysed 500 telephone conversations and found the most frequently used word: "I"—spoken 3,900 times.
When you truly listen, you're giving people something rare and valuable: the sense that their thoughts matter.
Research has identified several distinct components that make up effective listening. Missing any one of them significantly reduces the impact.
True listening starts with physical and mental presence. Put your phone away—not just face-down, but out of sight. Close your laptop. Turn your body toward the speaker. Make eye contact—not a penetrating stare, but the natural engagement of someone who cares.
Your attention is the most valuable thing you can give someone. When you divide it, they notice.
The urge to interrupt often comes from a good place—you have something relevant to add! But resist it. Let the other person complete their thought. The pause that follows isn't empty space to be filled; it's respect.
Often the most important thing someone says comes after they think they're done. They've shared the surface topic and then, in the silence, decide to share what's really on their mind. If you jump in too quickly, you never hear it.
Show you're engaged without taking over:
These signals say "I'm with you, keep going" without interrupting the flow.
Ask questions that invite more:
These open-ended questions show genuine interest and encourage deeper conversation. Avoid questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no"—they close down the conversation.
Occasionally summarise what you've heard:
This confirms you've understood and gives them a chance to correct any misunderstanding.
Here's something most people miss. Effective listening operates on two levels: the content level (the facts being shared) and the emotional level (how the person feels about those facts).
Most people listen for content and ignore emotion. They hear that a project is behind schedule but miss that the person is terrified of disappointing their team. They hear about a disagreement with a colleague but miss the underlying hurt.
The emotional level is often more important than the content. Acknowledging someone's feelings—"It sounds like that was really frustrating" or "That must have been incredibly difficult"—can be more powerful than any advice or solution.
In fact, jumping to solutions too quickly is one of the most common listening failures. Sometimes people don't want their problem fixed. They want to be heard. Before offering advice, ask: "Would you like some suggestions, or do you just need to vent?"
Dale Carnegie tells of meeting a famous botanist at a dinner party. Carnegie knew almost nothing about botany, but he listened attentively as the botanist spoke for hours about exotic plants, indoor gardens, and the wonders of plant life.
Carnegie asked questions, showed genuine interest, and let the botanist share his passion.
When the evening ended, the botanist told the host that Carnegie was "a most stimulating conversationalist."
Carnegie had barely spoken a word. He had simply listened with full attention.
The botanist left feeling wonderful—and thinking wonderfully of Carnegie. That's the alchemy of listening.
Beyond relationship benefits, listening has concrete business outcomes.
Research published in the Journal of Business and Psychology found that perceived listening correlates with job performance (r = .36). Employees who feel listened to perform better.
A study of supervisors' active-empathetic listening found it was an important but under-researched antecedent of work engagement. Supervisors skilled in listening positively affected their employees' accomplishments, enthusiasm, involvement, and emotional energy.
When employees feel their manager actively listens, it also reduces feelings of job insecurity. Active listening provides a safe space for workers to verbalise and process concerns, helping them feel more in control.
On our Quarterdeck leadership courses, we often find that the skills leaders most need to develop aren't speaking skills—they're listening skills. The ability to truly hear what your team is telling you, including what they're afraid to say directly, is foundational to effective leadership.
For one week, track your conversations. After each significant interaction, rate yourself honestly:
Be brutally honest. Most people discover they're not nearly as good at listening as they thought.
Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk. If you're just waiting for them to stop so you can make your point, you're not listening.
Listening is not agreeing. You can listen fully while holding a different opinion. In fact, understanding someone's position deeply before disagreeing makes your disagreement more credible.
Listening is not fixing. Sometimes people just need to be heard. The instinct to solve their problem, while well-intentioned, can feel dismissive.
Listening is not silent absorption. Effective listening is active—it requires engagement, questions, acknowledgment. Sitting silently might look like listening, but unless the speaker feels heard, it isn't.
True listening is an act of generosity. You're giving someone your most precious resource: your undivided attention.
In a world of constant distraction—notifications, emails, the endless scroll—genuine attention has become rare. When you give it, you stand out.
Once you've mastered listening, you'll naturally discover what matters to the other person. This prepares you for the next principle: talking in terms of their interests—the key to making people eager to be around you.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.