Articles / How to Handle People Without Criticising, Condemning, or Complaining
How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleLearn why criticism fails to change behaviour and what to do instead. Discover the surprising psychology research that proves feedback often makes performance worse, not better.
Written by Laura Bouttell • Sat 24th January 2026
Before we go any further, let's make an important distinction that most people miss. Feedback and criticism are not the same thing.
Feedback is information. It's neutral, it's specific, and it's focused on a task or behaviour. Criticism is judgement. It's personal, it's often vague, and it's focused on the person themselves.
The difference matters enormously because, as we'll see, even well-intentioned feedback frequently fails. Criticism—with its personal sting and implied judgement—fails almost every time.
Here's something that will probably shock you. In one of the most comprehensive studies of feedback ever conducted, psychologists Avraham Kluger and Angelo DeNisi analysed 607 experiments involving over 23,000 participants. Their finding?
Over one-third of feedback interventions actually made performance worse.
Let that sink in. These weren't cruel criticisms hurled in anger. These were structured feedback interventions designed by researchers to improve performance. And more than a third of them backfired.
The modal impact—the most common effect—of feedback on performance is none. Not positive, not negative. Nothing.
Why? Because feedback that directs attention toward the self and away from the task triggers self-protective mechanisms. The person stops thinking about how to improve and starts thinking about defending their ego. A more recent systematic review in the Journal of Organizational Behavior (2025) confirmed that negative feedback only works under very specific conditions—typically when there's already a high-quality relationship between the people involved.
So when you feel the urge to criticise someone, remember: even gentle, well-structured feedback often fails. Harsh criticism? It's almost guaranteed to make things worse.
If criticism is so ineffective, why do we all do it so readily?
Because criticism isn't really about changing the other person. It's about making ourselves feel better.
When someone makes a mistake that affects us, we feel frustrated, anxious, or angry. Criticising them releases some of that tension. It gives us a sense of moral superiority. It shifts responsibility away from us. We feel righteous.
But none of that helps the situation. You've made yourself feel temporarily better at the cost of making the other person defensive, resentful, and less likely to improve.
Carnegie puts it perfectly: "Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."
Here's another uncomfortable truth. People almost never think they're wrong.
Al Capone, one of America's most notorious gangsters, once said: "I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man."
Lewis Lawes, warden of New York's notorious Sing Sing prison, observed that almost none of the inmates saw themselves as bad people. They had elaborate justifications for every crime they'd committed.
If hardened criminals can convince themselves they're not really at fault, what chance does your criticism have of making your colleague, employee, or family member accept responsibility?
The answer is: almost none. When criticised, people don't reflect and improve. They justify and resent.
Recent research from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found something interesting. When feedback is future-focused rather than past-focused, people are significantly more receptive to it.
The difference is subtle but powerful:
Past-focused (criticism): "You handled that client badly. You interrupted them and didn't listen to their concerns."
Future-focused (guidance): "For the next client meeting, try letting them finish their thoughts completely before responding. Ask clarifying questions to show you understand their concerns."
Both convey the same information. But the first one triggers defensiveness. The second one invites improvement.
The key insight is that past-focused feedback feels like an attack on who you are. Future-focused guidance feels like help becoming who you could be.
Abraham Lincoln learned this principle the hard way—almost fatally.
As a young man, Lincoln was a vicious critic. He wrote anonymous letters mocking local politicians and had them published in newspapers. One such letter, ridiculing a man named James Shields, was so scathing that Shields challenged Lincoln to a duel. They came close to fighting with cavalry broadswords before mutual friends intervened.
That near-death experience changed Lincoln forever. From that point, he almost never criticised anyone for anything.
Even during the Civil War, when General Meade allowed Lee's army to escape after Gettysburg—potentially prolonging the war by years—Lincoln wrote a blistering letter. But he never sent it. The letter was found among his papers after his death.
Lincoln understood that expressing his anger would make him feel better for five minutes. But it would humiliate Meade, destroy their working relationship, and make future cooperation impossible.
When you feel the urge to criticise, wait 24 hours. Write the criticism down if you must—get it out of your system—but don't send it. Sleep on it. In the morning, you'll almost always see a better approach.
Before criticising, ask yourself: "How would I feel if someone said this to me in this way?"
Not "Would the criticism be technically accurate?"—that's irrelevant. The question is how would it make you feel. Defensive? Resentful? Embarrassed?
Then don't say it.
Instead of condemning, try to understand. Ask yourself: "Why did this person do what they did?"
On our Quarterdeck leadership courses, we encourage leaders to assume positive intent. Most people aren't trying to fail. They're doing their best with the information and abilities they have. Understanding their constraints and pressures often reveals solutions that criticism never would.
If you absolutely must address a problem, focus on specific behaviours rather than character judgements.
Behaviours can change. Character attacks just wound.
Test pilot Bob Hoover was returning from an air show when both engines suddenly died. Through incredible skill, he managed to land the damaged plane safely.
The cause? A mechanic had filled his propeller plane with jet fuel—a potentially fatal mistake.
The young mechanic was devastated, expecting to be fired on the spot. Hoover could have publicly humiliated him. No one would have blamed him. Instead, Hoover put his arm around the man's shoulder and said: "To show you I'm sure that you'll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow."
That response taught the mechanic more than any criticism could have. It preserved his dignity, maintained the relationship, and ensured he'd never make that mistake again.
For the next week, keep a small notebook with you. Every time you feel the urge to criticise—whether you act on it or not—write it down.
Note:
At the end of the week, review your notes. You'll start to see patterns. Certain situations, times of day, or people trigger you more than others. Awareness is the first step to change.
Here's what makes this principle so hard: criticism feels productive. You're addressing problems! You're setting standards! You're not letting things slide!
But the research is clear. Criticism rarely achieves any of those goals. What it does achieve is resentment, defensiveness, and damaged relationships.
The investment in self-control—biting your tongue when criticism would feel so satisfying—pays returns that criticism never can.
Now that you understand why criticism fails, the second fundamental principle shows you what to do instead: give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 1: Don't criticise, condemn, or complain.