Articles / How to Make the Other Person Feel Important—And Do It Sincerely
How to Win Friends and Influence PeopleLearn how to authentically make others feel valued. Research shows 66% of employees would leave companies that don't appreciate them—discover techniques that work.
Written by Laura Bouttell • Sat 24th January 2026
William James, the father of American psychology, wrote: "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated."
Not just noticed. Not just acknowledged. Appreciated. Made to feel that you matter, that your contribution counts, that you are valuable.
This craving is so powerful that it drives nearly everything humans do. People climb mountains, build businesses, write books, volunteer their time, compete for promotions, argue on the internet—all, at some level, seeking to feel important.
Understanding this craving is the key to understanding human motivation. Satisfy it, and people are drawn to you. Ignore it, and you'll struggle to maintain any relationship, personal or professional.
Here's what I find remarkable about this principle: it's not just folk wisdom. The research backing it is overwhelming.
Gallup's analysis found that only one in three workers strongly agrees that they received recognition or praise for doing good work in the past seven days. Two-thirds of the workforce feels invisible.
And the consequences are severe:
But it's not just about preventing people from leaving. Recognition actively improves performance. Gallup found that organisations with high employee engagement—driven largely by recognition—see:
When companies double the number of employees they recognise weekly, they see a 24% improvement in work quality and a 27% reduction in absenteeism.
Perhaps most striking: a simple "thank you" from a manager can increase productivity by 50%. One short phrase. Fifty percent improvement.
And yet only 30% of people express thanks to their coworkers regularly.
If recognition is so powerful and costs nothing, why don't more people do it?
Because it requires shifting attention away from ourselves. Carnegie estimated we spend 95% of our time thinking about ourselves. Finding time to genuinely appreciate others means interrupting that default self-focus.
There's also a strange psychological barrier. Many people feel awkward giving compliments. It feels vulnerable somehow—like you're exposing yourself by admitting you noticed something good about someone else.
And there's the false belief that people should just do their jobs without needing praise. "Why should I thank them for doing what they're supposed to do?" This attitude, while common, is profoundly counterproductive. You're not thanking them because they need it. You're thanking them because it works—for them and for you.
Carnegie was careful to distinguish flattery from appreciation.
Flattery is cheap, insincere, and manipulative. It's the salesperson who says "lovely home!" to every prospect regardless of the actual home. It's the colleague who praises everything indiscriminately. People can smell flattery from a mile away, and they resent it.
Appreciation is specific, sincere, and earned. It notices something genuine and says so. It has details that prove you were actually paying attention.
Compare:
The second one has power because it's obviously true. You were there. You noticed. You cared enough to say something.
Most people walk through life receiving almost no recognition for the small, consistent things they do well. Look for these overlooked contributions:
Then mention it. "I've noticed that you always..." carries tremendous weight precisely because most people don't notice.
Nothing says "you matter" like genuinely seeking someone's input.
But here's the crucial part: you must actually listen to their answer and take it seriously. If you ask for input and then ignore it, you've actually made things worse. They'll feel like the request was performative, and they'll trust you less.
When you implement someone's suggestion, tell them. "I used your idea about X, and it worked beautifully." That closes the loop and proves you were genuinely listening.
When you remember details about someone's life—their spouse's name, their child's interests, a challenge they mentioned last month—you're demonstrating that they occupy space in your mind.
This connects to remembering names, but goes further. Remember what matters to them. Write it down if you need to. Before your next meeting with someone, review what you know about their life outside work.
People are astonished when you remember something they barely remember mentioning. It says: you mattered enough for me to hold onto that.
Generic praise is forgettable. Specific praise is powerful.
Not: "Good presentation" But: "The way you opened with that customer story grabbed everyone's attention. I noticed heads lift up around the room."
Not: "You're great with clients" But: "The patience you showed with Mrs. Thompson today, when she was clearly frustrated—that's rare. Most people would have gotten defensive."
Specificity proves authenticity. It proves you were actually watching.
Carnegie discovered that certain simple phrases have remarkable power:
These phrases acknowledge the other person's importance and autonomy. They transform commands into requests, transactions into relationships. They cost nothing and change everything.
This principle can be weaponised. Some people try to make others feel important purely as a manipulation tactic—a calculated move to get what they want.
This backfires. Always.
People have finely tuned radars for insincerity. When they detect that your interest is strategic rather than genuine, any trust you built evaporates. Worse, they'll now be suspicious of future genuine appreciation—you've poisoned the well.
The solution isn't to fake sincerity better. It's to actually become interested in others.
This requires a perspective shift. You have to genuinely believe that every person has value, that everyone knows something you don't, that everyone has qualities worth admiring.
If you can't find something genuinely admirable about someone, you're not looking hard enough.
Ralph Waldo Emerson captured it perfectly: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
This isn't false modesty. It's recognising a simple truth: everyone has experiences you haven't had, skills you haven't developed, knowledge you don't possess.
The janitor knows things about how the building works that you don't. The intern has a perspective on new trends that you've lost touch with. The difficult colleague has coping mechanisms that have helped them through challenges you've never faced.
When you approach people with genuine curiosity about what they know that you don't, appreciation flows naturally.
Consider the people who serve you throughout your day:
To each of them, a moment of genuine recognition—eye contact, using their name, a sincere thank you—may be the only such recognition they receive that day.
You might make their entire week. You have that power. And most people never use it.
On our Quarterdeck courses, we use a simple exercise to develop the habit of appreciation.
At the end of each day for one week, write down:
Most people discover they noticed plenty of good things but rarely said anything. The exercise creates awareness, and awareness creates change.
After a week, challenge yourself: tell at least one person each day something specific you appreciated about them. Notice how they respond. Notice how you feel.
Philosophers have pondered the rules of human relationships for millennia. From all that pondering emerged one great principle: treat others as you would want to be treated.
You want to be appreciated, right? You want to feel important? You want people to recognise your worth?
Then give others what you yourself crave.
This isn't just moral philosophy—it's practical psychology. When you make people feel important, they associate that good feeling with you. They want to be around you. They want to help you. They become your allies.
When people feel valued and important, they become more open to influence. This is why making others feel important is the final principle in learning how to make people like you—and why it naturally leads into Part 3: winning people to your way of thinking without creating resentment.
Master these six principles—genuine interest, a warm smile, remembering names, listening, talking about their interests, and making them feel important—and you will be welcomed anywhere you go.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.