How to Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders

Why Questions Work Better Than Orders

No one likes to take orders. Even necessary commands create resentment when delivered as demands.

But asking questions:

• Gives people ownership of the solution
• Stimulates their creativity
• Makes them feel valued, not subordinate
• Creates buy-in rather than compliance
• Often produces better ideas than you would have had alone

The Psychology of Questions

When you give an order, you close down thinking. The person's job is simply to comply—or resist.

When you ask a question, you open up thinking. The person engages their brain, considers options, and becomes invested in the outcome.

An order says: "I've figured this out. You just execute." A question says: "I value your input. Let's figure this out together."

Practical Techniques

Technique 1: The Suggestion Question

Turn commands into suggestions:

Order: "File these reports alphabetically." Question: "Do you think it would be helpful to organize these alphabetically?"

Order: "Call the client back immediately." Question: "What do you think about getting back to the client today?"

The outcome may be the same, but the feeling is completely different.

Technique 2: The Option Question

Offer choices rather than directives:

Order: "Finish this by Friday." Question: "Could you have this ready by Friday, or would Monday work better?"

Even limited choice creates a sense of autonomy.

Technique 3: The Input Question

Invite their perspective on how to approach a task:

Order: "Do it this way." Question: "What approach do you think would work best here?"

You might learn something. And even if they arrive at your intended approach, it's now their idea.

Technique 4: The Possibility Question

Frame challenges as opportunities for problem-solving:

Order: "Fix this problem." Question: "How might we address this issue?"

The word "might" opens possibilities. The word "we" creates partnership.

Technique 5: The Consequence Question

Help them see the implications themselves:

Order: "Don't skip the safety check." Question: "What could happen if we missed the safety check?"

When they articulate the consequence, they own the importance.

The Owen D. Young Approach

Owen D. Young, head of General Electric, never told people what to do. Instead, he asked questions like:

• "What do you think of this?"
• "Do you think this would work?"
• "What would you do in this situation?"

He found that people executed better when they felt the decisions were partly their own.

Practice Exercise: The Command Conversion

Take ten orders you commonly give (at work or home):

1. Write each as a direct command
2. Rewrite each as a suggestion question
3. Rewrite each as an option question
4. Rewrite each as an input question
5. Practice using the question versions

Example: "Take out the trash"

• Suggestion: "Do you think the trash could use emptying?"
• Option: "Would you rather take out the trash now or after dinner?"
• Input: "What's the best time to deal with the trash?"

When Questions Might Not Work

There are situations where direct instructions are appropriate:

• Emergencies: "Stop! Don't touch that!"
• Training new skills: Clear instruction is often needed first
• Time-critical situations: Sometimes speed matters more than buy-in
• When expertise is lopsided: If they truly don't know, guide them

Even in these cases, you can return to questions once the immediate pressure passes.

The Hidden Benefit: Better Ideas

When you ask instead of tell, you often discover:

• Perspectives you hadn't considered
• Problems with your original plan
• Creative solutions you wouldn't have imagined
• Information you didn't know you were missing

Questions don't just feel better—they often produce better outcomes.

Building the Habit

Changing from orders to questions takes practice:

Week 1: Notice every time you give a direct order Week 2: Pause before giving orders, consider a question instead Week 3: Actively convert orders to questions Week 4: Questions become more natural

Track your progress. Notice how people respond differently.

Questions in Written Communication

The technique works in email too:

Email order: "Complete the report by EOD." Email question: "Would you be able to complete the report by end of day, or do you need more time?"

Email order: "Attend the 3pm meeting." Email question: "Are you available for the 3pm meeting? Your input would be valuable."

Written communication often feels more commanding than intended. Questions soften it.

The Parent Application

This technique transforms parenting:

Order: "Clean your room." Question: "What do you think your room needs today?"

Order: "Do your homework." Question: "What homework do you have, and when do you think you'll do it?"

Order: "Stop fighting with your sister." Question: "How do you two think you could work this out?"

Children respond to autonomy just as adults do.

Combining with Other Principles

Questions work powerfully with:

• Beginning with praise: Appreciate first, then ask
• Indirect criticism: Questions are inherently indirect
• Letting them feel the idea is theirs: Questions help them discover solutions

Questions create a climate of respect that makes all other principles more effective—including the next one: letting the other person save face.

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.