How to Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person

Why Your Mistakes Come First

It's much easier to listen to criticism when the critic begins by admitting they're far from perfect themselves. Your faults become less threatening when they're shared by the person pointing them out.

When you admit your own mistakes first, you demonstrate humility, create connection, and make the other person more receptive to feedback.

The Psychology of Shared Imperfection

When you reveal your flaws, you do several things at once:

• Level the playing field: You're not speaking from a position of superiority
• Create safety: If you can admit mistakes, so can they
• Build trust: Vulnerability begets vulnerability
• Reduce defensiveness: They don't need to protect themselves from someone who's already exposed their own weaknesses

Practical Techniques

Technique 1: The Relevant Confession

Share a mistake related to the one you're addressing:

Before criticizing their time management: "I used to struggle terribly with prioritization. I'd work on whatever seemed urgent and miss what was actually important. I learned the hard way that..."

Before criticizing their communication: "I've had to learn the hard way about being clearer in my emails. I used to send messages that were easily misunderstood..."

The relevance shows genuine reflection, not a calculated tactic.

Technique 2: The Past-Self Admission

Describe how you were when you were at their stage:

"When I was first in this role, I made the exact same mistake. I thought I could handle everything myself and didn't ask for help soon enough."

This normalizes the error and shows that improvement is possible.

Technique 3: The Ongoing Struggle

Share something you're still working on:

"I still catch myself doing this sometimes. It's something I have to consciously work on every day."

This shows that growth is a continuous process, not a destination you've already reached.

Technique 4: The Specific Example

Give a concrete example of your mistake:

"Last month, I completely missed a deadline because I didn't track dependencies properly. I know exactly how easy it is to let that happen."

Specificity proves you're not just saying words—you've actually experienced this.

Technique 5: The Lesson Learned

Share what your mistake taught you:

"It took me embarrassingly long to learn that checking my work saves more time than it takes. I wish I'd figured that out sooner."

The lesson frames the feedback as wisdom to share, not judgment to impose.

The E.G. Dillistone Story

E.G. Dillistone, a manager, needed to address a typist's spelling errors. Instead of simply criticizing, he began:

"I've noticed some words are misspelled in these letters. Spelling is something I've always struggled with myself. In fact, I still have to look up words sometimes. Let me show you a few that tripped me up when I was starting out."

The typist improved rapidly—not because she was threatened, but because she felt supported.

Practice Exercise: The Mistake Inventory

Before your next feedback conversation:

1. List five mistakes you've made similar to the one you're addressing
2. Choose the most relevant to the current situation
3. Identify what you learned from each
4. Practice sharing one naturally before giving feedback
5. Notice how it changes the dynamic of the conversation

Template: "I remember when I [similar mistake]. I learned [lesson]. I'm sharing this because I see the same pattern and want to help you avoid the hard lessons I had to learn."

The Balance of Authority

Some worry that admitting mistakes undermines their authority. The opposite is true:

• Pretending to be perfect creates distance and distrust
• Admitting mistakes shows confidence and self-awareness
• Leaders who acknowledge their humanity earn more respect, not less

The strongest leaders are those secure enough to acknowledge their weaknesses.

Common Mistakes in Admitting Mistakes

Mistake 1: Insincere or Token Admissions

"I guess nobody's perfect, but here's what you did wrong..."

This sounds calculated. The admission needs to be genuine and substantial.

Mistake 2: Making It About You

A brief admission sets the stage. A long confession steals the conversation.

Wrong: Spending ten minutes on your own mistakes Right: One or two sentences, then refocus on helping them

Mistake 3: Irrelevant Confessions

"I once forgot my anniversary, so I understand you missing the deadline."

The connection needs to be relevant to the actual feedback.

Mistake 4: Competitive Confession

"My mistake was even worse than yours..."

This isn't a contest. Keep the focus on creating connection, not comparison.

Applying to Difficult Conversations

The technique works especially well in high-stakes conversations:

Performance reviews: "Before we discuss your areas for development, I want to share some of the feedback I've received about myself this year..."

Conflict resolution: "I know I've contributed to this situation. Let me start by owning my part..."

Correcting behavior: "I've made similar choices, and I learned that they have unintended consequences..."

The Teaching Mindset

When you share your mistakes, you're not confessing—you're teaching. You're offering wisdom from your experience that can help them avoid the same pain.

This frames you as mentor rather than judge, guide rather than critic.

Building a Culture of Growth

When leaders regularly admit mistakes, they create environments where:

• People feel safe acknowledging errors
• Problems get identified early
• Learning is valued over appearing perfect
• Innovation increases because failure isn't catastrophic

Your vulnerability gives others permission to be vulnerable too.

Talking about your mistakes first prepares people to hear feedback. The next technique makes feedback even more palatable: asking questions instead of giving direct orders.

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.