How to Let the Other Person Do a Great Deal of the Talking

Why You Should Talk Less

Most people, when trying to win someone over, talk too much. They present arguments, make their case, pile on evidence—and wonder why the other person remains unconvinced.

Here's the truth: people don't care about your arguments. They care about their own concerns, their own problems, their own ideas.

La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, observed: "If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."

The same applies to persuasion: if you want resistance, dominate the conversation. If you want agreement, let the other person dominate it.

The Benefits of Listening More

They Feel Heard

When people feel genuinely listened to, their resistance drops. The need to argue diminishes because they've already expressed themselves fully.

You Learn What Really Matters

While you're listening, you're gathering invaluable information about their real concerns, objections, and motivations. This intelligence helps you respond more effectively.

They Talk Themselves Into Agreement

Often, when people talk through a problem out loud, they reach your conclusion on their own. And a conclusion they reach themselves is far more powerful than one you impose.

Your Words Carry More Weight

When you speak less, each word matters more. The person who talks sparingly is listened to more carefully than the person who talks constantly.

Practical Techniques

Technique 1: Ask Open Questions, Then Wait

Open questions can't be answered with yes or no:

• "How do you see this situation?"
• "What concerns you most about this?"
• "Tell me more about your thinking on this."
• "What would an ideal outcome look like for you?"

After asking, wait. Don't fill the silence. Let them think and respond fully.

Technique 2: The Two-Minute Rule

In any conversation where you're trying to persuade, challenge yourself: let them talk for at least two minutes without interruption.

It's harder than it sounds. You'll feel the urge to respond, to correct, to add your perspective. Resist. Keep listening.

Technique 3: Prompt for More

Simple phrases that encourage continued talking:

• "Tell me more about that."
• "Go on..."
• "What happened then?"
• "How did that make you feel?"
• "And then?"

These prompts show genuine interest and invite deeper sharing.

Technique 4: Reflect Back What You Hear

Summarise what they've said to show you're listening and to encourage more:

"So if I'm understanding you correctly, your main concern is [X], and you're hoping for [Y]?"

They'll either confirm or clarify—either way, the conversation goes deeper.

Technique 5: Resist the Advice Impulse

When someone shares a problem, the urge to offer solutions is almost irresistible. Fight it.

Often, people don't want solutions—they want to be heard. Or they want to work through the problem themselves. Or they already know the solution and just need to talk it out.

Ask: "Would you like my thoughts, or is it more helpful for me to just listen?"

The Travelling Salesman Story

A salesperson was pitching to a particularly difficult prospect. Every argument was met with a counter-argument. The salesperson was making no progress.

Finally, exhausted, the salesperson stopped talking and simply asked: "What would you need to see to feel confident about this?"

The prospect talked for twenty minutes—about his concerns, his past experiences, his requirements. By the end, he had essentially outlined exactly what he needed to buy.

The salesperson barely had to do anything except show how the product met the requirements the prospect himself had identified.

The Interview Technique

Treating every conversation like an interview changes your approach:

Before (typical approach): "Let me tell you why this is a good idea..." "Here's what I think we should do..." "The benefits are..."

After (interview approach): "I'd love to hear your perspective on this." "What's your experience been with similar situations?" "What would you consider most important?"

You're gathering information, not dispensing it. And in the process, you're building rapport and understanding.

Practice Exercise: The Talking Timer

In your next three persuasive conversations:

1. Track talk time mentally—who's talking more?
2. Aim for 70/30 (them 70%, you 30%)
3. Note when you interrupt or rush to respond
4. After the conversation, reflect: What did you learn by listening? Did they reach any conclusions themselves?

When They've Stopped Talking

After they've shared fully:

1. Acknowledge what they've said — "Thank you for sharing all of that."
2. Confirm your understanding — "So the key points are..."
3. Ask if there's more — "Is there anything else I should understand?"
4. Only then respond — and respond specifically to what they've shared

The Complaint Strategy

When someone is complaining or expressing frustration:

Don't:

• Defend yourself
• Explain why they're wrong
• Offer immediate solutions
• Minimise their concerns

Do:

• Let them get it all out
• Acknowledge the emotion
• Ask clarifying questions
• Wait until they're completely finished before responding

A complaint that is fully heard often resolves itself. A complaint that is interrupted escalates.

Even Your Enemies

Let even your opponents talk through their position fully. When they've expressed themselves completely, they become more willing to listen to you. And you'll understand their position well enough to address it effectively.

The person who feels heard is the person who will listen.

This principle connects naturally to making others feel that your idea is theirs—when they've talked through a problem, they're ready to own the solution.

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.