How to Begin in a Friendly Way

The Drop of Honey Principle

Lincoln said: "A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." If you want to win someone to your cause, first convince them that you are their sincere friend.

When you come at people with your fists doubled, they will double theirs. But if you approach with friendliness, they will lower their guard.

Why Friendly Beginnings Matter

The first few moments of any interaction set the tone for everything that follows. A hostile opening triggers defensive reactions that are hard to overcome, no matter how reasonable your later arguments.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind. Kindness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force.

Techniques for Friendly Beginnings

Technique 1: Start with Genuine Appreciation

Before addressing any difficult topic, begin with something you genuinely appreciate:

Template: "I've always valued [specific quality] about you/our relationship/this company. That's why I wanted to talk about..."

Example: "I've always valued how responsive you are when I bring up concerns. That's why I wanted to discuss something that's been on my mind."

This establishes that you're coming from a place of respect, not attack.

Technique 2: Acknowledge Their Situation

Show that you understand their perspective before presenting your own:

Phrases to use:

• "I know you're dealing with a lot right now..."
• "I understand the pressure you're under..."
• "I can imagine this is a challenging time..."
• "I realise this might not be the easiest thing to hear..."

This demonstrates empathy and reduces defensiveness.

Technique 3: Find Common Ground First

Identify shared values, goals, or experiences before addressing differences:

Template: "We both want [shared goal]. I think we might have different ideas about how to get there, and I'd like to explore that."

Starting with what unites you creates an "us vs. the problem" dynamic rather than "me vs. you."

Technique 4: Ask Permission to Share

Asking permission shows respect and increases receptivity:

Phrases to use:

• "Would you be open to hearing my perspective on this?"
• "May I share some thoughts with you?"
• "Would it be okay if I raised something?"

When people say yes, they've psychologically committed to listening.

Technique 5: Control Your Tone

Your tone communicates more than your words. Before any important conversation:

Pre-conversation checklist:

• Take three deep breaths
• Consciously relax your facial muscles
• Lower your shoulders
• Speak slightly slower than normal
• Imagine you're talking to a good friend

Record yourself practicing difficult conversations. Listen to your tone. Would you want to receive this message?

The Rockefeller Approach

When striking workers once barricaded themselves in a Colorado factory, tensions ran high. Both sides expected conflict. John D. Rockefeller Jr. chose a different approach.

Instead of demands, he opened with friendship. He mingled with the workers, learned their names, remembered details about their families. He attended their community events. Only after establishing genuine rapport did he begin discussing the issues.

The same workers who had been ready to fight became willing to negotiate. Not because the issues had changed, but because the relationship had.

Practical Applications

For Difficult Conversations at Work

Instead of: "We need to talk about your performance." Try: "I appreciate all the effort you've been putting in lately. I'd like to talk about how we can work together to make sure that effort pays off."

For Conflicts at Home

Instead of: "You never help around the house." Try: "I know we're both exhausted. I've been feeling overwhelmed with the housework, and I'd love to figure out a system that works better for both of us."

For Customer Complaints

Instead of: "Our policy doesn't allow for refunds." Try: "I can see you're frustrated, and I completely understand. Let me see what I can do to make this right for you."

For Delivering Bad News

Instead of: "Your proposal wasn't accepted." Try: "I want to thank you for all the work you put into this proposal. The committee was impressed with several aspects, and I want to talk about what happened and what we might do going forward."

The Five-Minute Warm-Up

Before any conversation where you're delivering criticism, making a request, or discussing conflict:

1. Minute 1: Think of three things you genuinely appreciate about this person
2. Minute 2: Consider their perspective—what pressures are they facing?
3. Minute 3: Identify your shared goals
4. Minute 4: Plan your friendly opening
5. Minute 5: Take deep breaths and set your intention to be kind

This brief practice dramatically improves conversation outcomes.

Practice Exercise: The Friendly Opener

Take five difficult conversations you need to have (or have had recently). For each one:

1. Write down the hostile/neutral opening you might have used
2. Rewrite it as a friendly opening using the techniques above
3. Notice the difference in how each version makes you feel

Example:

• Hostile: "Why haven't you finished the project yet?"
• Neutral: "I wanted to check on the project status."
• Friendly: "I know you've been working hard on this project. I wanted to see how it's going and if there's anything I can do to support you."

The Aesop Connection

Remember the fable of the North Wind and the Sun? They argued about who could make a traveler remove his coat. The North Wind blew with all its might, but the traveler only wrapped his coat tighter. The Sun simply shone warmly, and the traveler happily removed his coat.

Warmth accomplishes what force cannot.

A friendly beginning paves the way for the next principle: getting the other person saying "yes".

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.